ʞ / fiction / misc /

ITEM: Opening ceremonies. All attending princes, princesses, ladies, lords, lady-protectors, lord-protectors, and tyrants of the Associated Principalities entered the Chamber of the Convocation and took seats in the prescribed order. The Convocation was commenced by the ceremonial annual hanging of the King, as portrayed by poet and rabble-rouser SHAGNA PAGMARO, upon which the national anthem was sung (with all due aplomb mandated by law).

ITEM: Declarations of war. 712 (seven hundred and twelve) propositions for wars of aggression, regression, expansion, contraction, vengeance, and convenience were presented to the Lord Clerk. After careful examination to eliminate duplicate propositions, the remaining 392 propositions were presented to the Convocation and voted on as an omnibus bill. The motion was passed 120-32, and given Royal Assent by the King, as portrayed by a large wheel of moldy cheese.

ITEM: Retoxification of the OMSHARGA CANAL. Prince GOPDANA USHBADI of OMSHARGA PROTECTORATE presented evidence that the canal was becoming home to an unacceptably large population of native fauna, and demonstrated that the canal’s water was dangerously potable. Prince USHBADI called upon the Convocation for aid in the canal’s retoxification. Lady-Protector SILGUDA NAMDAGU of MANGUDA PRINCIPALITY proposed an aid package authorizing seven shipments of industrial waste and assorted poisons from the Royal Stockpile. The motion was passed 222-7, and given Royal Assent by the King as portrayed by a small, excitable terrier and the Royal Ventriloquist MORUSH SHUGNOBA.

ITEM: The Regulatory Reform & Modernization Bill of 71R. Proposed by Princess SHAMBULGU LUKNUNGU of GOGBORDA PRINCIPALITY, the bill would:

• mandate the creation and subsequent proscription of a National Board of Falconry;
• grant the Lord Secretary of Domestic Wines & Animal Husbandry the authority to order the confiscation of any hat within three leagues of a place where poets or burglars routinely assemble, except on Tuesdays or during a lunar (but not solar) eclipse;
• replace an “antiquated” provision requiring the Lord Secretary of Railway Management to wear a bowler hat whenever acting in an official capacity with an identical provision;
• require the Sun to submit annual reports on any and all potentially subversive photosynthesis;
• forbid foreign ambassadors from treading on even-numbered cobblestones on a highway under the administration of the Bureau of Fenceposts & Infectious Diseases, except where required by treaty or common sense;
• & bestow upon the Lord Secretary of the Treasury the powers of flight and prophecy.

The bill was debated. One amendment was debated and passed by unanimous consent, abolishing the taxation of imprecatory prayer and altering the legal definition of murder to exclude beat poetry and haberdashery from prosecution. The bill was passed 192-43, and given Royal Assent by the King, as portrayed by a small child that had wandered into the Chamber from a nearby orphanage. The child was gently escorted from the podium by the Sergeant-at-Arms.

ITEM: Commendations. Lord MARNAG NUKNORBA of BOSHGAGNA PROVINCE called for a motion recognizing the exceptional performance of the late poet and rabble-rouser SHAGNA PAGMARO in portraying the ceremonial annual hanging of the King in the Convocation’s opening ceremony. The motion was passed by unanimous consent, and given Royal Assent by the King, as portrayed by an elaborate marionette and operated by the Royal Puppeteer ARNDAGA UBODA.

ITEM: Awards. Citing their scientific breakthroughs, acts of exceptional service, and unfailing patriotism, Princess MISHLARGO AGNARBA of the LUGMOGNO TYRANNY asked the Convocation to bestow its highest honors upon 17 (seventeen) notable citizens. The motion was passed by unanimous consent, and given Royal Assent by the King, as portrayed by noted actress LABDURGA BISHNARGU. The citizens in question were named Enemies of the State and awarded pensions in accordance with their new status, before being ceremonially chased from the Chamber by Royal Guardsmen dressed in fatsuits and wielding decorative battleaxes kindly contributed by the DECORATIVE BATTLEAXE & DAIRY CORPORATION of ONGORGA ISLAND.

ITEM: Conclusion. Having determined by the infallible process of oneiromancy that no further motions could be auspiciously considered, the assembled dignitaries linked arms and marched from the Chamber of the Convocation, which was then ceremonially set on fire. Lunch was then served.