Employment Opportunities

The DNMB is a fantastic career choice for a patriotic American, offering high entry-level salaries, biological immortality, world-class public health insurance, and total mastery over lesser forest creatures.

All applicants to DNMB positions must qualify for a United States security clearance and be certified Uncontaminated. The DNMB is an equal-opportunity employer and does not discriminate on basis of race, gender identity, sexuality, flesh purity, height, moral alignment, or whether or not applicant is on fire. Mutants need not apply.

Job Openings

#	Position Title	Skills Needed	Applicants must	Salary
L1049	Liaison to the Court of the Fairy Queen	creativity resistance to common toxins bafflegab physical fitness	know at least 7 dances (if white) have red hair & green eyes be able to identify on sight all flowers found in the Pacific Northwest demonstrate fluency in Pig Latin be whimsical and charming in nature demonstrate profiency in riddles	$45,000
Notes:	Fairies do not exist.
P0207	Press Secretary	creativity intimidation strong grasp of irony herpetology	be diagnosed with psychopathy by a qualified psychologist inspire terror in all who gaze upon them	$30,000
Notes:	Applicants with a history of violent crime will be given preference.
S1130	Hermit	foraging madness	hold a B.A. in Conspiracy Studies	500 smooth grey stones
M9918	Inquisitor	deduction teamwork implacability	hold a B.S. or higher in Criminology be immune to Contamination	$300,000
S3320	Seer	prophecy communication	hold an M.A. in Communication, Latin, or Literature be able to predict whether they will be hired	120,000 Δρ
J5127	Janitor	physical fitness marksmanship close-quarters combat teamwork	be a veteran of the Armed Forces be certified in use of high explosives hold a B.S. or higher in Chemistry defeat a swamp beast in single combat	$190,000
X7777				REDACTED
S7400	Sacrifice (Human)	penitence selflessness	be virginal, or be guilty of heresy	the thanks of a grateful nation
Notes:	No application necessary.
S7401	Sacrifice (Beast)	thrashing madly	be warm-blooded	the thanks of a grateful nation