Portents

Under the You Shall Know Them By The Weeping Of The Innocent Act of 1979, all citizens 7 or older are subject to mandatory portent reporting requirements. To avoid significant fines, make sure you know what the signs are and who to report them to!

Making frivolous portent reports is a federal crime punishable with up to 5 years in prison.

Class I Portents

These signs may portend disquiet, and should be reported to the police. Failure to report a Class I Portent may result in a $10 fine.

• A surprise visit from a family member you haven't seen for a very long time.
• Malfunctioning appliances.
• Disobedient children.
• Minor heresies.
• Darkening skies.
• Unexpected pangs of longing.
• Missing pens.

Class II Portents

These signs may portend distress, and should be reported to the police. Failure to report a Class II Portent may result in a $25 fine.

• Unseasonable weather.
• Being followed by men in suits and dark sunglasses.
• Missing socks.
• Blood drives.
• Falling in love with a handsome stranger.
• Broadcasts from Approved News 5. Approved News 5 is no longer approved.
• Fornication.

Class III Portents

These signs may portend disaster, and should be reported to a licensed oracle. Failure to report a Class III Portent may result in a $77 fine.

• Death in childbirth.
• Death in bed.
• Death in a fire.
• Death in a cellar.
• Death in an attic.
• Death in a gruesome skiing accident.
• Death in a gruesome biking accident.
• Death in a gruesome mowing accident.
• Death in a gruesome flaying accident.
• Death in a gruesome yoga accident.
• Death in a gruesome weeping accident.
• Death in a gruesome painting accident.
• Death in a gruesome meditation accident.
• Death in a gruesome sleeping accident.

Class IV Portents

These signs may portend impending mayhem, and should be reported to a licensed oracle. Failure to report a Class IV Portent may result in a $250 fine.

• Yearnings.
• Disobedient children.
• Appearance of mysterious shops.
• Being followed by snakes.
• Major heresies.
• Sightings of wild police swarms.
• Reverse racism.

Class V Portents

These signs may portend possible doom, and should be reported to the ghosts of your ancestors. Failure to report a Class V Portent may result in a $700 fine.

• Earthquakes.
• Rivers of flame.
• Sightings of black helicopters.
• Sightings of EXPUNGED.
• Mighty forests rising from the desert sands.
• Sticky residue left by the tide.
• Deserted mountain villages.

Class VI Portents

These signs may portend certain doom, and should be reported to your local circle of standing stones. Failure to report a Class VI Portent may result in a $2,000 fine and 12 months in prison.

• Animals fleeing a region greater than one (1) mile in radius.
• Severe heresies.
• Erections lasting longer than four hours.
• Missing shadows.
• More shadows than there should be.
• Unexplained amnesia.
• Broadcasts from Approved News 4. Approved News 4 is no longer approved.
• Strangers speaking in the cursed tongue of the salamanders.

Class VII Portents

These signs may portend fulfillment of prophecy, and should be reported to your local circle of standing stones. Failure to report a Class VII Portent may result in 5-10 years in prison.

• Whispering in the wind.
• Breath forming fog on a warm summer day.
• Worms in ice cubes.
• Disobedient children.
• Unpredicted eclipses.
• Predicted eclipses.
• Prophesied eclipses.
• Spontaneous resurrections.
• Dreams of vast obsidian pyramids.

Class IIIX Portents

REDACTED. Failure to report a Class IIIX Portent may result in REDACTED.

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• ███████████ ███████ ██ Approved News 0 ██ ██████████.
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Class IIX Portents

These signs may portend snakes. Failure to report a Class IIX Portent may result in snakes.

• Losing all memory of your childhood.
• Seemingly impossible victories.
• Seemingly impossible defeats.
• Selection by the Council.
• Broadcasts from Approved News 3. Approved News 3 is no longer approved.
• Records becoming suddenly blank.
• Men made of bees.
• Uncontrollable teleportation.

Class IX Portents

These signs may portend REDACTED, and should be reported to your local circle of standing stones and the Illuminati. Failure to report a Class IX Portent may result in a secret fate. If you have witnessed one of the portents below, you may want to report for summary incineration at your earliest convenience.

• The wrong sun rising.
• Flags of diseased flesh.
• Forsaken runes forming in the sand.
• Webs of forbidden bone spiders.
• Sightings of the Sun-Drinker.
• Unearthly howling.
• Bone heresies.
• Communism.

Class X Portents

If you encounter a sign on the list below, it is already too late.

• Gathering shadows.
• Laughing faces in the water.
• Oceans red with blood.
• Your own dead body.
• Thrashing in the mirror.
• Lumbering shapes in the fog.
• The scrape of knives right behind you.
• Veins forming forbidden runes.
• Contamination.
• A daemon sighting.
• Blood heresy.

Remember that death, no matter how agonizing, does not exempt citizens from portent reporting requirements. (Exceptions will be made on a case-by-case basis for citizens enrolled in the Supplementary Security Income program who are judged incapable of fulfulling reporting requirements. See the Social Security website for details on how to apply for an "in case of death" portent reporting exemption.)