humbly presents this Article,
as Written by our weekly Contributor, the Honorable
in the GLORIOUS YEAR of the REVOLUTION 71
Speaking at the Boshgog Public Forum & Liqueur Shoppe last Wednesday, the Lord Mornag Shugrontu, shortly after availing himself of the venue’s estimable other product, issued a number of public demands, threats, and complaints against my humble self. Principal among his demands was that for an apology - his Lordship feels wronged by the words I have written about his illustrious career.
I am not a woman who takes her duties lightly. (Nor a man who does so, but that is neither here nor there.) I have reviewed many of the missives which his Lordship issued surprisingly specific objections to, and to my great and profound chagrin, found myself wanting. My personal loathing for the man was not tempered by fact, but stoked to fuel public denunciations I have since come to deeply regret.
Therefore, I write to you today, people of the Greater Oshbog Islands, to issue an apology. An apology, first and foremost to the honorable Lord Mornag Shugrontu for the slander I have worked against him - but also to the honorable people of my country, for a great failure to do my duties as responsible civil servant.
I apologize for describing Lord Shugrontu’s famed encounter with President Olgalodze Vrasmitsiva of the Zlakvenko Peninsula as “a contradiction unto the laws of Man, Beast, Nature, and the very Whole of Physics.” On consulting a learned natural philosopher and through careful re-examination of witness accounts, I have since come to understand that, contrary to my intial belief, no violation of the first, second, or third laws of thermodynamics actually took place.
I apologize for claiming that Lord Shugrontu’s head “would look much better on a pike in the palace lawn.” As has been pointed out to me, such ornamention would be tasteless, and would attract maggots.
I apologize for accusing Lord Shugrontu of selling his own sister as a slave to the beast-folk of the mountains. While he did, in fact, do so, pointing this out was rude, and wrong of me.
I apologize for spreading the rumor that Lord Shugrontu is shamefully bald and conceals this moral failing beneath subpar wigs. The Ishgoshta Hairpiece & Confectionary Stand is an eminent and respected corporation, whose products could never be characterized as “subpar.”
I apologize for alleging a relationship between Lord Shugrontu and Dominarch Ellevalia of the Iliomirinon Plateau. I can’t imagine what I thought she would see in him.
I apologize for characterizing Lord Shugrontu’s tenure as Secretary of Fencepost Administration & Dairy Enforcement as “apocalyptic,” when, with hindsight, it was at worst “cataclysmic.”
I apologize for impugning Lord Shugrontu on multiple occasions as a “fucktologist.” I have consulted with several eminent lexicographers, who all assure me “fucktologist” is not actually a word.
And finally, I apologize for my offensive implication that Lord Shugrontu might be swayed by such trivialities as elementary logic. He is clearly a man beyond the influence of mere reason.
Senator Agbandra Dambuldo
Chair of the Senate Committee on Equine Literacy, Ontological Inspection, & the Number 8.